[已解决问题] 大家帮我看看作文~ travelling
Nowadays, there are some discussions about travelling. Compared with older generation, young people nowadays tend to be more opportunities to have a trip. Especially , graduated student. In my opinion, this new tide has both advantages and disadvantages.
It goes without saying that better travel could help people to better relaxation and satisfying experience which are very important. Therefore, have a trip is very significant. However, there are also something worried by the people who care the works. In addition, travelling, it is means that a lot of time will be wasted to earn enough money for maintaining their expense. In this current society in China, overstrain is a serious problem, so our government has established some law and resolution to conduct the direction of evolution for improving the problem.
All in all, As you travel, you will have found in your life, is no less valuable than that from any influential reference book..
150多字的作文，帮我看看有什么地方需要修改呢？谢谢！
It goes without saying that better travel could help people to better relaxation and satisfying experience which are very important. Therefore, have a trip is very significant. However, there are also something worried by the people who care the works. In addition, travelling, it is means that a lot of time will be wasted to earn enough money for maintaining their expense. In this current society in China, overstrain is a serious problem, so our government has established some law and resolution to conduct the direction of evolution for improving the problem.
All in all, As you travel, you will have found in your life, is no less valuable than that from any influential reference book..
150多字的作文，帮我看看有什么地方需要修改呢？谢谢！
最佳答案
同意chipmunk0606 的观点
第一段：提出问题，表明观点(both advantages and disadvantages)。
需要改进的地方：
——young people nowadays tend to be more opportunities 语法错误；
——Especially, graduated student.句子不完整。
改进后：
Nowadays, there are some heated discussions about travelling. Compared with older generation, young people, especially graduates, tend to have more opportunities to take a trip. In my opinion, this new trend has both advantages and disadvantages.
第二段和第三段：详述观点，论据支持。
需要改进的地方：
——作者没有用具体的论据支持，没有说服力；
——本段最后一句In this current society in China…to conduct the direction of evolution for improving the problem.与话题无关；
——help people to better relaxation语法错误；
——have a trip is very significant语法错误；
——something worried by the people who care the works语法错误；
——In addition, travelling, it is means句子结构错误；
——As you travel除了标点，大小写错误也要注意；
——is no less valuable主语哪儿去了？
改进后：
It goes without saying that a better travel could help people have a better relaxation and experience, which are very important for them in life. For example, spending an annual holiday traveling abroad is an especially satisfying experience for those who do not have much of an opportunity to be away from their homelands. When people return from their travel, they will generally feel fresh and ready to work harder. What’s more, you will have found in your life that the knowledge acquired from travel is no less valuable than that from any influential reference book. Therefore, having a trip is very significant.
However, there are also something that worries people who care more for work than travel. They say that work comes first. In addition, they are afraid that a lot of time will be wasted to earn enough money to cover their expenses…
提问者对于答案的评价：非常感谢你的帮助 ：）
第一段：提出问题，表明观点(both advantages and disadvantages)。
需要改进的地方：
——young people nowadays tend to be more opportunities 语法错误；
——Especially, graduated student.句子不完整。
改进后：
Nowadays, there are some heated discussions about travelling. Compared with older generation, young people, especially graduates, tend to have more opportunities to take a trip. In my opinion, this new trend has both advantages and disadvantages.
第二段和第三段：详述观点，论据支持。
需要改进的地方：
——作者没有用具体的论据支持，没有说服力；
——本段最后一句In this current society in China…to conduct the direction of evolution for improving the problem.与话题无关；
——help people to better relaxation语法错误；
——have a trip is very significant语法错误；
——something worried by the people who care the works语法错误；
——In addition, travelling, it is means句子结构错误；
——As you travel除了标点，大小写错误也要注意；
——is no less valuable主语哪儿去了？
改进后：
It goes without saying that a better travel could help people have a better relaxation and experience, which are very important for them in life. For example, spending an annual holiday traveling abroad is an especially satisfying experience for those who do not have much of an opportunity to be away from their homelands. When people return from their travel, they will generally feel fresh and ready to work harder. What’s more, you will have found in your life that the knowledge acquired from travel is no less valuable than that from any influential reference book. Therefore, having a trip is very significant.
However, there are also something that worries people who care more for work than travel. They say that work comes first. In addition, they are afraid that a lot of time will be wasted to earn enough money to cover their expenses…
2007-4-3 22:02:52
回答者：hsiangshun
提问者对于答案的评价：非常感谢你的帮助 ：）
其它回答(5)
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这是典型的三段体作文，第一段提出问题，表明自己的观点。写的还可以。但是有几个问题：1，Nowadays用的也太多了，英文用词不喜重复。2。young people nowadays tend to have more opportunities to.. 3.标点混乱。这个看似不起眼，其实很影响句意。在word文档中，我们经常会发现，明明句子都对，下面还是有黄色的下滑线，那就是标点错了。比如这里：young people nowadays tend to be（have) more opportunities to have (可换为 take)a trip.(,) especially graduated students. 4.拼写错误一个：traveling. 第二段，详细阐述自己的观点，用论据支持此观点。这点作者好像没有特别清楚地表现，也没有用具体的论据支持，比较没有说服力。文章第二句就用了Therefore。 第三段，句型不错。但是记住：A paragraph must have at least there sentences, so this is not a paragraph! 从这个文章来看，作者用了很多事先背好的句型，但是驾驭能力有限，只是机械地组合在一起，文章缺乏中心思想。 请楼主不要太受打击，你的作文还是写得比我大多数学生刚开始的时候好很多。要多练习，才能进步。Practice makes perfect. 英语毕竟不是我们的母语，中国人写英文难免犯错，有道是旁观者清，我自己写时也不免犯错，过后再看很是奇怪，自己怎么会犯这样的小毛病呢。 Practice！！ 谢谢点评！（这是我的作文） 现在正是苦于无处得到评价我作文的地方。 由于我要考的是大学英语3级，作文字数也就150多左右。 所以，要想在这么少的字数内写出有论证的文章很难。 这篇文章我刚开始写了270多字，后改成这样的。 大家有什么好的建议呢？ 还不错的。 呵呵，水平不下6级。 littlepig413 我把你的文章 发在谢谢练练小组里了。那里讨论方便 写的不错哈 |
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1年前 littlepig413 : 谢谢练练小组在哪里呀？ 我以后都会经常写作文练习的，希望能有个地方帮我点评一下，提提建议。 因为基础不是很好，现在想重新拿起来好好学。 |
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1年前 littlepig413 : Nowadays, there are some discussions about travelling. Compared with older generation, recently young people tend to be more opportunities to take a trip, especially graduated student. In my opinion, this new tide has both advantages and disadvantages. It goes without saying that better travel could help people to better relaxation and satisfying experience which are very important. For example, spending an annual holiday traveling abroad is an especially satisfying experience for those who do not have much of an opportunity to be away from their homelands. When people return from their travel, they well generally feel fresh, ready to work harder. Therefore, have a trip is very significant. However, there are also something worried by the people who care the works. In addition, travelling, it is means that a lot of time will be wasted to earn enough money for maintaining their expense. In this current society in China, overstrain is a serious problem, so our government has established some law and resolution to conduct the direction of evolution for improving the problem. All in all, As you travel, you will have found in your life, is no less valuable than that from any influential reference book.. 这是我修改后的作文，请大家点评！ |
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1年前 chipmunk0606 : hsiangshun你改的非常好！中心马上就突出了，功力不错，我加你为好友了。little pig. 你最后一段还是没改成三句以上。 第二段好了许多。其实你第一次写的好多句子我都没看懂是什么意思。看了hsiangshun修改后的文章知道原来你想表达这样的意思。呵呵，再努力吧。 However, there are also something that worries people who care more for work than travel.（hsiangshun） 把这句改改吧。文章的开头不能以However or but开头，把它移到中间或后面去。很多书都有这个毛病！！真是误导！！这里我就不替你改了，你们试试，我明天再来看。 |